This has got to be the worst work week I have experienced in a long, long time. I feel as though I am a chicken running around with its head cut off trying to keep up but failing miserably. Days like this I think it’d be really great to be a server again. Basically, it’s a 30 minute job. Any problems any tasks are done within about 30 minutes because that is usually how long people stay in a restaurant.

The people I deal with now…stay. Students suck. I really don’t know if I can do this for a career anymore. I don’t know what I want to do anymore. Nothing starts me up and gets me excited anymore. I suppose before I think about leaving I should really get my degree here and hell maybe some BENEFITS!!!

But I digress. This week my job has become a thing that I dread more than anything else. Least I am going to have some much needed time away tonight and tomorrow morning.

But yeah, this week sucks. It’s only Wednesday and I want to escape to a far off island in the sun….

I can't seem to sit still today. I feel like I am excited but I don't know what from. Maybe it is the camping, or maybe it is because (shhh) I am not working on Friday. hee hee!!!

I have been in and out of meetings today with no desire to work. I feel like a kid with ADD on coke. My mind is constantly everywhere but yet no where in particular. I suppose there are things I could focus on.

1) Had dinner with Mike last night; a bit odd but could get better
2) Still wildly attracted to Alex; loving his smile
3) Camping is going to kick butt
4) Going to sleep in a tent with Alex!!!
5) Having amazing conversation with Alex on the way home last night


Ok, so I suppose I could cover all of those things but well, obviously I can’t focus. Alex and I talked about relationships last night and he really opened up to me about how he has been feeling and then in turn we talked about how I would feel from having dinner with Mike. Part of me wishes he got a little jealous last night but c’mon, I can’t make him jealous over having dinner with a gay guy. Who cares if I dated him?!?!

Ugh, it sure is hard to focus on work when you know that just a little ways away is that man you dream about at night, the guy you want to talk to all day, the guy you want to grab you and kiss you and well…a lot of other stuff…


GOD!! It’s only 3:45!! I have ugh, 2 more hours of pretending to work to go. I need to focus, but I can’t! I have this feeling of just constant giggles and being silly. I wish someone here at work was as silly as me. Sometimes I get kind of odd looks…but hey! What’s new?

I need tips to get Alex to be with me.


WOW, did I just say that??

Hello, is Liz there?
Yes, who is it?
Her order for desperation is in.
Oh cool she was running low.


Hmm, orders…I ordered two Explosion in the Sky cds last night. Maybe when I get home they will be there. YEA! That’d rock.

Cried last night after reading my old friends journal talking about how much he valued friendships. Guess I wasn’t that much of a value…sad.

Ok, ohhhh, supervisor just walked by…better try to call some people

Do you ever have days when you just want to cry? Nothing is wrong…nothing has happened. I just would feel better if I could cry. I think it is the stress I am in. I don’t want to do my job today. I just want to sit and listen to music all day. It just happens to be sad music…I hate days like this. I can’t wait for tonight.

I am listening to the soundtrack to Garden State. If anything, I am not sad about my state. I mean I am over Mike. I'm just happy we can be friends. But, when I think about the music that goes along with the movie, I think about that relationship. And well, if anything, I just want that. A connection…someone that understands me. I feel like I am floating like a balloon and if anything I just want there to be someone to hold the string and keep me from flying away. It’s like an emptiness that creeps up every once in a while that sometimes I just can’t forget. A closet door that is so full that when you open it you are faced with an avalanche of feelings. I don’t know, I am not a sad person, but today…I am a little.

Perhaps it is because I had so little sleep. Tonight will help to know that I have two days of freedom. I just hate this feeling of limbo. I am ready for stability. But well, I suppose that is a work in progress


"Blue Eyes...you are all that I need." ~Cary Brothers

I was/am extremely tired of working today...enjoy the little tidbits...add on if you want. Maybe these people will be my new inner soap opera. oh dear, I am so bored.

Walking around the pond, a showering mist came across each of their faces.

“It’s really hot though isn’t it, but it feels pretty nice,” she said looking up at him. She noticed that his eyes were brighter than the last time she saw him. He looked stronger as well; greater stature. She realized that she missed him while he was gone.

“It’s really great,” he said looking at her and stopping for a small moment to catch her looking onto the water as the wind swept her hair away from her neck, “what your doing. I wish I could do something like that.”

She just looked at him and smiled, knowing that if she were to open her mouth to speak at that moment a whole colony of butterflies would escape. She turned her head downward and still just smiled.

He couldn’t help but smirk a little at her shyness. While her head was facing down, he took all the time he could at examining her. He ran his eyes over her curls blowing in the wind, her skin with the bronze tan, the nervous fidgeting when she played with her watch. He had to hold himself back from just picking her up off the ground and swinging her around in a circle. He wanted to hold her, kiss her, feel her arms around him.

But instead they stood there and watched the family of swans along the pond. And with a quick, “what time is it?” the lunch was over. Slowly they walked back amongst the fluorescent fields where they gaze upon the mind numbing computers of their workplace existence.

Where to begin. I’m angry at him and at myself. 8 months of illusions. So long I thought that we were good. But the monkey on my shoulder just kept tapping harder and harder. Kept saying this isn’t what I wanted. You aren't even attracted to him. I feel weak. I didn’t want to be alone so badly that I allowed myself to get dumped 6 times. When he called to tell me he had to talk, I thought we were getting back together again. All the way there I was thinking I can’t do this. I can’t allow myself to be with someone I am not in love just because I don’t want to be alone again. Why is acceptance so important to me? Why wasn’t I strong enough the first time he broke up with me to say goodbye for my own sake. Why did it take him saying he was gay for me to finally realize that I need to say goodbye for good?

Every relationship I have had since Mark has not been real. I always just dated guys that showed the slightest bit of interest because I longed for the attention. This last one I was so desperate to fill the void of Sam that I just jumped into this without even thinking. I remember I was sitting on my bed talking to Vanessa before I left for Mexico saying I wish I had someone. Then my mind went back thinking of Mike, the guy I went on one date with back at NIU and now I was thinking of any connection to the opposite sex. He was the closest. I asked her if he were around and she said yes, I said set something up will you and she did. That is my desperation. My desperation lasted 8 months and now I am dealing with the effects. I am so angry at myself that I don’t know how to be self sufficient. I joke that I am a pack rat with people. I don’t even want to let go of the people who hurt me the most for fear that I will be alone. I am so weak of a person that I don’t even stand up for myself and demand that I do better. Worst thing is that I come off stronger than that. I come off as strong person with a strong mind. But the truth is that all I ever do is settle. If Sam never broke up with me, would I still be a 26 year old working woman with a 20 year old college student boyfriend? Would he ever have given me what I needed?

And with Mike, how many times do I have to be made to feel like less of a person before I decide enough is enough. Why did it take him saying he was gay? Why wasn’t I enough! I feel I can’t be comfortable in my own skin right now because I am just so disgusted with myself. I can say that I didn’t see it coming when Mike came out to me, but I did see it coming when he broke up with me again. First time, no I didn’t see that. But second, third, fourth, fifth, and now this one…I saw this crap from a mile away.

What makes me so afraid to go after what I want? If you ask me, I know what it is. It’s not a mystery to me and I think I am getting closer with every guy. When in fact, with every guy I date, I am getting further and further.

I have always said I wanted a very manly man to date. Someone who was strong outside and inside. Someone who could care for himself but wasn’t so distant that he couldn’t ask for help once in a while or show weakness at times. Someone who showed emotion but didn’t cry at the drop of a hat. Someone that would teach me about things that I never knew but at the same time wants to be taught by me. Someone that didn’t make me feel stupid but didn’t make me feel like I was dating an idiot. Someone who was tough but yet made me still feel strong.

That should have been my tip-off with Mike. He always used to joke saying “my girlfriend can kick my ass” And it’s true, I probably could! It was such a double edged sword kind of statement because it made me feel good and strong but then it made me disappointed with him because he didn’t even measure up.

It’s weird now, looking at pictures of us together. It brings me a sort of comfort. The comfort is knowing I no longer have to try to make things work when I knew they weren’t. I no longer have to try to be attracted to him when I never really was. I know that sounds horrible but I allowed myself to be disillusioned into thinking I was attracted to him just so I would be with someone. I can’t feel too bad about it though, he did the same damn thing to me.

As much as I shouldn’t have dated him, he shouldn’t have dated me. He knew before we even went on our first date that he was gay but still allowed himself to do everything we did together. It would be easier if I could say that we didn’t have much of a sex life, but we did. I think that is the hardest thing to grasp. Why did I have sex with someone I didn’t have a sexual attraction to and why did he as well? We are nothing but cowards because he can’t live up to being a gay man and I can’t live up to just being a single women on my own.

I don’t know how to deal with breakups. I suppose think it is better to be back together and sub par than to be alone and what…be happy/sad/mad/scared. Being in a relationship with Mike numbed me. I floated through existence going through one step to another. It’s laughable to even think of where I allowed myself to go next. Thinking of marriage and children with Mike was never tangible.

Mike put the knife in me; I was the one twisting it.

I am not sure what quite to feel at the moment. I am trying to concentrate at work but I find myself lost in thought. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I am tired of hearing myself speak about all that has happened. But I know I need to. I know I need to work through this and finally allow myself to deal with things that have hurt me in the past.

Maybe it’s time I realize that I can say no to someone. I need to realize that I can be alone. I need to realize that I am worth being with someone who is everything I want him to be. I am so tired of conforming myself to be what people want me to be. There are things I just don’t like, things I just don’t do, things I just don’t get. But, with all of that, there are things that I do want and need and deserve. I am just scared of how long it will take. Michelle told me that I need time to figure me out, get to the root of why my pattern has become a pattern.

I guess what it comes down to with Mike and our relationship was that he needed a cover and I needed a male body next to me to make me feel whole. Words can not even describe how disgusted I am with myself that I am that woman that needs a man to make her feel whole. I don’t want to be this way. I wish I were enough for me, but for right now I guess I am not.